It really hurts when people I thought I could trust end up turning around and backstabbing me. That is one of the top reasons why trust has always been a issue for me, not so much just that but in general people that I allow into my inter circle. It takes a while just for me to open up to trust someone and then to have them turn around and bring up something that happened over nine months ago. I am not going to go into detail about that since IT WAS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MOVED ON FROM THAT I am a stronger person now then I was at that time. So why bring something up just to bring me down to make your self feel better about what happened?
With that being said, I have decided to share a part of my life story. If anybody really knows me, I tend to open up a lot, and the close off real quick. Part of that is due to a trust factor I have always struggled with, from people in a church asking me why I bother to come if no body really likes me. That really kills when you are fourteen years old. To someone that I thought was a friend to them saying “enough people have enough trouble of there own so wide add to that”. Scratch that first relationship, wow in advance I am not going to share any names, to protect certain people because I am not sure who reads this and who does not. To just finding out a month ago that someone I dated a year ago is still trying to cause crap, I have moved on. I am sorry if they have not, but at the same time there lose.
It is interesting only a few people can really break me open, when I get in a funk like this. The down side is one of them lives in a different city, the others I do not want bother all the time. Plus any more who can you truly trust? It has been a while since I have been in this bad of a funk per say. I know that God is there and is never going to leave, but at the same type I just want to be happy, is that really to much to ask? I am tired of people putting on fronts like they care about me, but yet there is never truly any actions to back that up. I am part to blame for that, it is just rough at times. I know it sounds like I am complaing, but it is just hard to figure out exactly the direction that God wants me to go in. If I had more direction in that point then maybe thing would be better but only God knows.
The whole trust factor also deals with why went to so many churches almost like I was hopping so much in just my short life. After college did not pan out the first time. I went to a total of over 5 different college church groups.It seemed like when ever someone told me about one I would have to check it out. Even if it was for a few weeks at a time, that all while working. Was I still involved with a Sunday church? Not really, and the sad part was I was working with a youth group and a children’s group at the same time. I figured all that I was involved with then what was the point, I am still growing right? Well that is what I thought anyway. Well I was wrong, the question is why is my mind thinking about all of this so much lately? The past should not matter, yet I still let so much of it try to control my life.
I keep hearing so much about needing confidence in order to succeed in life. I have confidence, I love my self, I am content with where I am, but my mind is like a evil memory bank. Not all my memories are bad, I am not trying to say that, but it is just interesting how one memory can change or try and change your whole life aspect, or even just change your thought process. I guess all there is to do is raise my hands, and lift a prayer up. If I get hurt along the way, just know that it WILL only make me stronger in the long run. I am stronger then I give myself credit for, I know that somewhere there is someone who is going to love me for who I am. Not who they want me to be, no more backing down, no more giving up when times get tough. Happy Reading, Adam