My life

It really hurts when people I thought I could trust end up turning around and backstabbing me. That is one of the top reasons why trust has always been a issue for me, not so much just that but in general people that I allow into my inter circle. It takes a while just for me to open up to trust someone and then to have them turn around and bring up something that happened over nine months ago. I am not going to go into detail about that since IT WAS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MOVED ON FROM THAT I am a stronger person now then I was at that time. So why bring something up just to bring me down to make your self feel better about what happened?

With that being said, I have decided to share a part of my life story. If anybody really knows me, I tend to open up a lot, and the close off real quick. Part of that is due to a trust factor I have always struggled with, from people in a church asking me why I bother to come if no body really likes me. That really kills when you are fourteen years old. To someone that I thought was a friend to them saying “enough people have enough trouble of there own so wide add to that”. Scratch that first relationship, wow in advance I am not going to share any names, to protect certain people because I am not sure who reads this and who does not. To just finding out  a month ago that someone I dated a year ago is still trying to cause crap, I have moved on. I am sorry if they have not, but at the same time there lose.

It is interesting only a few people can really break me open, when I get in a funk like this. The down side is one of them lives in a different city, the others I do not want bother all the time. Plus any more who can you truly trust? It has been a while since I have been in this bad of a funk per say. I know that God is there and is never going to leave, but at the same type I just want to be happy, is that really to much to ask? I am tired of people putting on fronts like they care about me, but yet there is never truly any actions to back that up. I am part to blame for that, it is just rough at times. I know it sounds like I am complaing, but it is just hard to figure out exactly the direction that God wants me to go in. If I had more direction in that point then maybe thing would be better but only God knows.

The whole trust factor also deals with why went to so many churches almost like I was  hopping so much in just my short life. After college did not pan out the first time. I went to a total of over 5 different college church groups.It seemed like when ever someone told me about one I would have to check it out. Even if it was for a few weeks at a time, that all while working. Was I still involved with a Sunday church? Not really, and the sad part was I was working with a youth group and a children’s group at the same time. I figured all that I was involved with then what was the point, I am still growing right? Well that is what I thought anyway. Well I was wrong, the question is why is my mind thinking about all of this so much lately? The past should not matter, yet I still let so much of it try to control my life.

I keep hearing so much about needing confidence in order to succeed in life. I have confidence, I love my self, I am content with where I am, but my mind is like a evil memory bank. Not all my memories are bad, I am not trying to say that, but it is just interesting how one memory can change or try and change your whole life aspect, or even just change your thought process. I guess all there is to do is raise my hands, and lift a prayer up. If I get hurt along the way, just know that it WILL only make me stronger in the long run. I am stronger then I give myself credit for, I know that somewhere there is someone who is going to love me for who I am. Not who they want me to be, no more backing down, no more giving up when times get tough. Happy Reading, Adam


2 thoughts on “My life

  1. Adam,
    When those thoughts come that want to take you down a road you don’t really belong (that cause you to get caught up in the past), when you recognize what’s happening, CHANGE DIRECTION! I know, from experience, that it takes lots of practice to do that, but the enemy would love to keep us in the past. And when the thoughts land there and you sense you’re going in a direction that doesn’t do a thing for you, take authority over it and focus on what God says about you.

    Yep, you really are stronger than you know….because God lives in you! In the time I have known you, little brother, you have grown. Keep it up!

    We all tend to sometimes slip into those thoughts about the past, but that’s what it is…the past. Living in the present means we take what we have learned, keep the good and toss the rotten and move forward toward whatever God has for us. Will we always know what that is? LOL….I don’t think so! I know I’m in a season of life right now where I have no clue what God is up to with me, but I’m still willing to trust He has me in the palm of His hand, He is still in control, and it’s all gonna work together for my good. I just am unable to see the big picture like He can…..but I take comfort that He knows and is only up to good for me! And as He spoke to my heart a few weeks or so back, He is never going to disappoint me – I can count on Him!

    So you keep moving on and moving forward…..praying for you, buddy!

    Love ya!

  2. Adam

    I have known you for years. 1st meeting you when things were bad for me and you just understanding from the get go how 2 listen and input when needed. Unfortunately for most people we are our own worst enemies when things get rough our brain reels in the wrong direction and only makes us feel worse most times. I wish for you the growth of your own best friend in the back of your mind listening understanding and inputting the right kind of thoughts to help you get thru when the past present or future gets you down on yourself. Bluntly telling you to just SHUT-UP when you put yourself down or blaming yourself for things out of your control. I wish for you that BFF that tells you let go and let God. If that doesn’t help and I know sometimes we get so far strung out on the little things we can’t get past it on our own. When that happens you just get ahold of me anytime anywhere for any reason. I know reconnecting after all these years we don’t have details to everything and may not be able to give you a simple straight answer on stuff in the past but it’s called HISstory for a reason its your story and its in the past its a part of him for a reason but its not all of you its only a part. Focus on the present and the future bc its that part of your life u can influence for the better and just remember if u fall he will pick u back up.
    Love Always
    Kendra Lynn

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