The past is behind you , as you move towards the future which is hard to reach. The past tries to hold on with everything that it has. Reminding you of past hurts and failures. Not letting you believe in your dreams. Holding you captive and not letting loose. The future looks untouched bright and clear.Almost as if it’s reaching out but the past still holds you down. Keeps dragging you away from the light. You reach for the light but are you ready to come into the light? Ready to be exposed and seen for who you really are?
At this point the darkness seems better the shadows keep you safe, or so you think. But the more you hide the further away you seem, not wanting to be around anyone or any body who cares for you. If you are around them, you wear a mask, because of how ashamed you are. You claim to be ok but who can you trust? Will people still trust you, even those who are closest? Or will they turn and walk away. The darkness is colder and more alone then you have ever felt before, you feel so down, you just want to give up. You see the phone lying next to you, but you do not reach for it. Instead you think one more drink that will help, your pain is buried deep.
But then out of the corner of your eye, you see a book. You wonder why this book is here and how it happened to survive. You start to reach for it, but you are ashamed, you do not feel worthy to open this book. Keep in mind that at one point, this book offered peace comfort and strength. But now you sense non of that. Those few close friends have still not given up, but they do not see the pain that is buried deep inside. They are not aware of the inter demons that you are struggling with. You are tired of feeling alone, not having a future. Not one that you can see anyway. It hurts you more knowing that you are bringing others down by feeling this way. Your mind starts to wonder to that spot again, you hate to feel this way. That job you had was a form of escape if only for a few hours, but then you lost that. That happens when you do not care about anything anymore.
As you reach towards your drink to ease the pain away, you notice a note in the corner of your eye. It had been months since you last read that note, you are just not sure anymore about anything. But it did offer a peace if only for a while. The note went something like this ” Dear You’,
“I have known you for many years now, and you know how much I love you. I have been there with you through the best of times and the worst. I am sorry to hear about the job, but I know also that you are stronger then this. You have helped me out when I was at my worst, and have been that best friend when I have been at that point also over the years. You have much more potential then you realize. I wish you could only see the ‘True Colors” that are within you that I see. You know that I am always available to talk, it does not matter when, you mean the world to me. You are one of my closest friends. You gave me a friendship when I needed it most many years ago, if it was not for you I would not be able to write this letter today. I love you and always will.”
As you re read that letter, that once meant hope, you wondered if it was to late to reach out. You reach for your phone, as you start to do that you notice a knife on the other side. You decided to call the friend and talk to them, let them know what has been going on. But then another thought crosses your mind, if you did end your own life, no one would be effected by it. It might almost be better for everybody involved. It had been a few months since you last talked due to the business of life. But you still take the gamble.The phone starts to ring, will someone answer or are they working. This is your last resort, at this point the only friend who has not given up on you. The phone goes to voice mail, you hear an encouraging voice on the other side. But it is to late.
You start to slide the knife across your wrists, there is a small amount of blood. At this point you do not care, you have a bigger gulp to ease the pain as you dive the knife deeper across the wrists. The blood starts to slow down, but there is still the need to end this life. You want to reach for your phone again, but you can not, you’re just numb. You reach the knife up to your neck. How hard can this really be, you start to question the thought. You slide it across your neck not edging it in yet. Just sliding it across, you have already lost a lot of blood as it is, the drink is starting to wear off. You reach for the bottle this time, and finish it. The pain is gone once again, the knife is still in your hand. You drive the knife into your throat. You take your final breath of air. It is over, now more pain, no more sorrow, or so you think.
Your friends try to call, no answer, they get worried they come over to your house no one’s home or so they think. Your parents get a hold of your friends, no one has heard from you in a week, people are worried. Your friends go over again, this time with the police to check this out. As they reach the door a smell beyond all believe is escaping. They break the door open and there you are lying there in all the blood. The cops call your family to inform them. No one knew how hurt you really were. They find your phone, after you tried to call your friend, they did call back. But your phone was on vibrate you did not hear amongst all the tears. They also find a note. You wanted to get your last words out there.
” I am sorry to any one and everyone by living my life, I know that it was not meant to be from the start. I am sorry to have inflected so much pain into your lives, I see now that life was not worth living. Tell my parents I am sorry or not being the child, that I thought I would be, or ever achieve the goals they wanted me to. I was just tired of living the life, I am sorry.”
In no way is this a personal reflection about how I feel. I just feel that there are more people hurting out there then we realize. What are we doing to reach out? To offer that friendly advice, to be there when they need some one at there weakest and strongest moments. I have been at this point in my life, and so have some close friends. But never again do I feel alone, like I did at that point in my life. I am sure that in some way we can all relate, but lets reach out more to one another more. And truly mean it. My challenge for those who may read this, try and reach out to someone that you normally would not talk to, someone who may be different then your self. You may never know what will happen when you reach out. Happy Reading Adam.