The time has come once again. I am not sure where this blog is headed direction wise, or even thought pattern at this point. It could turn out to be a happy blog, sad blog, or even a new turn a angry blog. I just have a lot of thoughts building up inside for some reason. I have not been as motivated to write though and get my thoughts out onto my blog. I wish the words for as to why the motivation is not there would flow more easy but sadly it is not. For some reason also a lot of questions keep going through my mind as well. I am going to try and explain and get everything out there but it may seem hard to do, I wish my mind would just be able to slow down and just take a nice relaxing breath of fresh air. Oh the dreams we dream, it is not like my life is that complicated more then others. And I do not go out and look for drama, just to seem more normal.I just very over think every situation and seldom see the good, I tend to see the negative outcome before trying to or even attempting to think of the good. Not always my mind just seems to wonder in that general direction
Wow ok so this blog better have a happy ending, I was just thinking that same thought as I re read some of what I already wrote. But in all seriousness it is interesting to me, how often I seem to not see the truth or for that matter how open I am to trust. Is part of that due to how I was raised? By no means am I saying that is a bad thing, but what I am saying is I have never truly lived my own life. It seems like any choice that I have made is more based on what other people think, or even what there thoughts are. It is ok to ask for someone else opinion, but for seem reason I have a hard time trusting my own instinct. I seem to go to others for all the little things, or really anything. Part of that is due to my personality, but I am still unsure as to where it comes from. Granted small choices or decisions I may not always ask, but for anything big or something that may have lasting effect in my life. By no means am I trying to put my self down, I am just stating the truth of the matter.
Speaking of the truth, that is something that is hard for me to accept. I know that there are a lot of areas of my life where I struggle. That is one of them, I am more worried about not hurting the other person that I tend to let things build up. To the point where I end up hurting the trust factor with them, or even worse loosing that friendship. That is why it is hard for people to tell me the truth also, they are not sure as to how I will respond. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves for everybody to see that I am hurting, but I do not always open up and tell them the truth, I lock them away to the point where I start to question friendships. I have done that with those who are my closest and also the newest. That is part of the reason why I started my blog, to be able to express my emotions, and get my thoughts out there. It may not always seem like it but in reality I am ginune happy person. I have just always had the questioning look on my face or when I am with someone. Can I trust this person, will they hurt me, will I be able to forgive them? Those are some of the questions I am dealing with each and every day. Does this lack of trust come from the past? I have moved on from that point, but I still have those questions going through my mind. I know that every human will let me down. But it is up to me to forgive them and accept them back into my life. That is sometimes harder to do depending on how real or how deep the relationship is. But there is still forgiveness there.
My identity is in the One who created me. And He lived the perfect example that we all try and strive for each and every day. He forgave even those who put Him on display for death. And still welcomes them home. He does not remember the past wrongs that they do, He knows there hearts. Let me live my life as more of an example of the way that He lived. Let me forgive those who hurt me in the past, and welcome them back into my life with open arms. The pain may still remain, but there is love to be achieved. A fresh start, to a friendship that was once there. The trust may take sometime to welcome, but it will happen over time. Let me see all my friends the way God does. He does not look at our live like we are useless and no good. He looks on us with love and compassion, forgiveness and healing. He does not care about our outer shell and neither do I, He cares more about our hearts, and that is what I am going to try and do each and every day. I may still slip, but if God is willing to give me a second chance are you as well?
In my closing thoughts, I just want to offer an apology to anyone that I may have hurt, with or without thinking about it. It was not my intentions to loose a friendship or loose a trust that was once there. So I ask for your forgiveness. And to those who may have hurt me either in the past or present or future. I just wanted to let you know as well that You are forgiven, I know it was never your intention to hurt me on purpose. I just hope and pray that the friendship is still there. Happy Reading, Adam