Easier as it goes?

You would think that since I am so close to 100 blogs, that this would be easier by this point. But you would be wrong, ok let me clarify if there is something on my mind then it is easier. But for some reason as of lately my mind has been in a lot of different directions. None of which is blog related at all, that is the down side. Or if I did try to put my thoughts into blog form would it make sense? Before you answer I know what you may be thinking ” us understand what he is saying”. And you might be right to some degree  but I want the last few to mean something not just to me but to whoever made it this as well.

So the past few weeks, well more starting with the first of the month really I have been struggling with some depression. I am unsure as to why all of a sudden it has kicked in or anything. Things in my life as far as I knew were going good, but for some reason there was something missing that I was unsure of. Let me go back a little bit to explain what I mean. In November I had lost a job that I was at for not that long, and it was about a month and a half were I was out of work. Now you would think that for some reason the depression would have started to take effect at that point. Well that is what I was thinking as well. I was wrong, it took about another half month before it all started to effect me. It hit me a lot harder then it should have, it seemed almost as if it was effecting everything else around me. Including but not limited to relationships, not just with friends but also with family. I was pushing people away instead of drawing them near, I put on the fake smile like everything was ok. But in reality the pain was so hurtful that it was hard for me to ask for help.

That is one of my huge weakness, I have always had a hard time asking for help especially when I need it the most. But I know I pushed away someone who was very close to me and for that I’m Sorry. I am sure those words may not even have explain what I mean to anyone else who may read this. But to me I know I really hurt this person, that was never my intention to end the friendship the way I did. But I even pushed others away as well that I have known for a lot longer. Am I seeking forgiveness by writing this blog? I am not sure, I just wanted to let people know that you may never know who you are hurting by keeping things to your self before it is to late. Before you may loose a friendship that is very close. A friendship where the person never gave up on you before, who was right by your side. That you just gave up on because of the inner pain that you are struggling with.

If you are struggling in anyway there is no shame in seeking help, in some ways it might end up being the best thing for you.  You may not loose that friendship, or even that relationship. Seek wise council, there is nothing wrong with going to your friends but sometimes it may take more then that. That is the direction that I am headed towards. And in reality I think that it is the best choice for me. I should have followed through with something like this a while ago when I first thought about it. But my selfish pride got in the way, and once again I was afraid to ask for help. But now I am seeking the help that I need. It may start off small almost as if baby steps at first but the help is being sought. Happy Reading, Adam.

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What does the word intgrety mean?

What does the word integrity mean? And what are 7 biblical characteristics of a man of integrity.

The word integrity can be defined as follows—1) an unimpaired condition, i.e., soundness, wholeness 2) firm adherence to a code of moral values, i.e., incorruptible, honor, 3) the quality or state of being complete or undivided, i.e., completeness. Synonyms of integrity are honesty and unity.

Just the definition of the word alone should speak volumes. A lot of other words could be used or in place of but none would have that same perfect fit. There are a lot more than 7 biblical characteristics, but I am going to go with 7 and include the biblical reference to go with each one.

  1. Your integrity should set an example (Titus 2:7—-in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with[a]purity in doctrine, dignified,
  2. Integrity will protect you (Psalms 25:21—–Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You.
  3. Integrity is more valuable than riches (Proverbs 28:6—- Better is the poor who walks in his integrity Than he who is crooked though he be rich.
  4. The Lord hates lies and lack of integrity (Zechariah 8:16-17—– These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates. Also let none of you devise evil in your heart against another, and do not love perjury; for all these are what I hate,’ declares the LORD.”
  5. Integrity will be rewarded (Psalms 41:11-12—By this I know that You are pleased with me, because my enemy does not shout in triumph over me. As for me,You uphold me in my integrity, and You set me in Your presence forever.
  6. Hold fast to your integrity when times get tough, and do not listen to outside sources. (Job 2:9—-“Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die”.
  7. Integrity means keeping your word and sticking with it. ( James 5:12—But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath; but your yes is to be yes, and your no, no, so that you may not fall under judgment.

Dear Lord,

Let me be a man of integrity so that way I can know you more. Let me live the example in my daily life. Let me know what it means to be a man after Your heart. In Your name I pray

From Guilt and Fear to Grace and Freedom

How many times in our Christian walks do we say that we want to move from guilt and fear to grace and freedom? When does that moment come when we  realize that we can take that first stand in freedom, but wrapped  in the love and grace that follows? Those are just a few questions that I am going to try and answer within this blog. I know the direction in which I want to head, but if I end in the same spot only time will tell. How many times have we heard something like that? And not let it sink in, or not let it sink in right away. Most of my Christian walk I have realized as I was starting to do this topic was and is based more out of fear and guilt then grace and freedom.

So much of my prayer life going to church and helping others was based out of fear and guilt then grace and freedom. Jesus came to show us that is not the case, but at the same time we live in a fear of shame. Thinking we are never going to be good enough, and be able to be set free. A fear of the future despite everything else that has been going on, a fear of what other people my self included are worried about getting to know the real us. And then based on that reject us which in is  a sense  guilt of rejection. But Jesus in His three year ministry showed us how to live in a glorious grace and freedom.

But yet what will it take for us to get to that point?A repentant heart, a open mind the ability to trust beyond our own shadow of trust? Those are just some of the questions that we deal with when even thinking about taking that first step. The Lord will always be right beside you, but somehow or someway we need to take that step out into faith. Freedom comes when we walk into places of healing. That means having holiness and talking to someone about the pain that has been built up. It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of healing. We have freedom to enjoy our life with God. If we make the wrong choice then sometimes we think we are blowing the will of God, but that is not the case.

Walking with God is more like a playground. Yes there are borders  but  if you want to go down the slide go ahead swing on the swings, play on the marry ground. With God we have the freedom to express our self’s but we should not be afraid to take that first step. Yes we will fall, but like a good Dad, He will be there to catch us and pick us up and dust us off. And say “go play some more. I am not sure who this will reach, I am not sure who will be impacted by this, but all I know is that there is freedom and grace if we are willing to seek after it. God’s love for us frees us from the darkness and guilt that tries to hover over us, but we have a Light that is Stronger and Brighter then any other. Happy Reading, Adam

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As the first frost falls on the ground, that is how my heart is still due to the hurt and the pain. My heart may be huge, but it beats a quiet beat.Afraid to share the love that has been locked away, afraid of the pain once again. Will I love again can I love again? My heart use to be full of life able to love, it would beat eagerly as I waited for you. But alas no more.

It once was on fire full of love and hope that are now shattered dreams. Can my eyes be open to a love again? Or will I retreat and hide afraid of old scars opening and new wounds piercing my flesh. But now the cold has sealed my heart. Waiting for the spring to come and melt away the frozen gate that has kept my heart closed.

I thought that for a time that my heart was open again that spring had freed me. But I was wrong the cold sunk back into my life right when I started to see the flowers start to bloom. The pain is almost at times to much to handle. Is it to much to ask for me to find a love as well? I see others that are dating that become engaged, and the entire time I wonder will it be my turn ever? I know that the timing has to be right and along with God’s plan, but I am tired of waiting on God to set the course of my love life into order.

I know that I have been given chances to feel free and not feel frozen when it comes to my heart. But yet so many walls are still there, I get a glimpse of what that love could look like only to be either shot down or to put down. Am I complaining I know it may seem like that. But in all reality I am not, I am just wondering when it will be my turn to fall in love. Now I know that not everything in a relationship is happy all the time, that they take work and patience.  But I am willing and ready to work on those as they come up.

Happy Reading Adam

Dear Ian,

Wow It is hard to believe that you are already 19 years old. Well that just makes me feel older lo.l But in all seriousness just to be able to see you grow into the man of God you are becoming is amazing. It seems strange that we have kept in contact now for over 12 years. Most friendships fade out and for a while ours did as well but now it is back and stronger then ever in some way.

You prob never thought that you would get a blog dedicated to you. And yes while it may seem strange I wanted to let you know through written word how much your friendship does mean to me. You have been there for me more times then you may realize. All the times when you wanted to hang out, and I said yes it was more me wanting to hang out but was afraid to ask. Or say hey I could use some company right now. But through that and so much more we have stayed friends.

Its going to be great that one day when I have a family and kids that you will be able to mentor them, just like I have mentored you. And just for memory sake I will have an old school Sega around. lol But those are some of the memories that will always be a part of our friendship. Just like all the summers we spent at camp, and dare I admit the one song that I introduced you to. You have shown me some great bands over the years and it will be awesome to see where our friendship heads next.

From,

Adam

I have known Ian since he was either 6 or 7 and we became friends then when he found out that I liked Sega. Our friendship has always been there, and will continue to be there as well. Happy Reading

Dear Adam

It seems so odd to write a letter to my self this way. I mean I have done this in the journal sense but never thought that I would ever publish this. I first of all want to say that there is so much inter strength that is hidden that you have. Do not be afraid to let the inner you come out more. If people can not accept you as you are then fuck them.

You are a strong warrior that has the let the past come up over and over again that it is really hard to see anything but negative right now within your life. If you think it is because you have hurt some people in your past seek them out and apologize do not let it be buried anymore. You have the bad tendency to take everything to heart, while that is not always a bad thing you seem to dwell on on it and over think it. Move on already, sorry not trying to be so negative right now, but maybe this is what you need to hear.

You need to stop living in the dream world of ever going back to New Zealand or Vietnam, if it does happen great but it prob will not so stop the dream. Who knows how many others dreams have passed you by because your head was so far up that particular dream. Oh stop dreaming about the damn future so much if and when it happens great, but until then focus on the here and present. I know as I re read this latter it will be hard but maybe I do need a letter like this to my self, as if it is a reminder. I am only writing this cause I do care, as hard as it may be to see right now.

You do have a bright future and you will achieve your goals. But when that time comes. Why rush into something that is not there yet, if you do look with both eyes wide open, keep the goal focused then you will achieve what you set out to do. Happy Reading, Adam

The reason why I decided to write a letter to my self, is more I understand what my friends and family are saying but in a way unless I wrote it my self it might be easier for me to see. And want to seek out

Dear Kendra,

How are you doing? I know it has only been a few days since we have talked but I thought I would still check. 🙂 So finally I am working on that letter that I told you about, random way to receive a letter. But I figured at the same time it could not hurt. You have meant so much to me over the past ten years almost now that we have known each other. Not a day go buy that I am not thanking God for our friendship.

At times it almost feels as if our friendship is just a dream, but I know that it is more then that. You have been there for me at my worst of times and also at my strongest of times. It seems hard for some reason putting into words how I am thankful for you. Meaning the idea is not hard but to  be able to express my gratitude to you after everything we have been through in regards to our friendship. We have both been through a lot in our lives, and no matter where we are out friendship will always be just as strong as ever.

I know we have had our shares of ups and downs as well, but what friendship does not go through something like that. In closing of your letter, thank you for never giving up on me even when I was at my weakest moment. That shows me there what a great friend you have truly been over the years so thank you.

Love always another brother to ya,

Adam

Me and Kendra have known each other for almost ten years. We have lost contact for about 4 or 5 of those years but our friendship has and will always be there. Happy Reading, Adam

10 More to Go!!

Ok so as of right now I am at number 90 in the way of blogs… only 10 more to go for my goal 🙂 So tech after this one 9. For 7 of the blogs they are going to be letters to both people that are no longer part of life, and some who still are. If you choose not to read the letter I understand, but they will also say a lot about my self through the blog as well. Well anyway I hope you enjoy have a great day and remember Happy Reading, Adam

Life’s A Happy Song….

Wow ok what an interesting title to a blog, even I have to admit that much.For those of you that may be unaware this past November the Muppets came out with a new movie, this was one of the title songs to the movie. Over all the movie was done very well brought great tribute to the original group of Jim Henson,  and Richard Hunt. Over all though a very touching movie, great moments and great laughs all the way through.

Since I started this blog about movies should I continue or should I switch up the topic? That is the next question as I am working on this. It is very interesting to me how I type what I am thinking, almost as if someone else is reading this as I type. That would be a scary feeling in all reality if that was the case, I am sure that is not. Wow I am glad that some of my blogs really have no meaning at all.

Ok back to happy thought blogs now lol I watched a documentary on Netflix the other day about the guy that does the voice of Elmo. It was a very neat story expect for the fact it ended back in 1995 lol. The reason why I find that funny is the fact that it was just made this past year. But over all though a great story of how became a puppeteer and everything. But anyway Life’s a Happy Song if we all take time and look on the inside. Happy Reading Adam

Afraid to ask for help….

How to be able to express how you are feeling without getting everyone worried about you? That has been my mindset as of the past 3 or so weeks now, I know that pain and hurt will follow. But what to do when you are so afraid when you think that you have only one option of escape? That should be the more relevant way to word the question. Since around the 6th of this month I have been dealing with some major depression issues where I was questioning that very thought.

Now if anybody really knows me at all asking for help is my number one weakness, granted asking for help is not so much the weakness. But feeling as if there is no way out is a weakness. I am wondering as if why I seldom go through this type of mindset. It comes at the most wrong times, let me clarify not always at the wrong times but when it does hit it is hard to shake. For as long as I can remember for almost the past ten years or so I have dealt with some form of depression. Granted I know a lot of people do but I seem to deal with it a lot more then most. And when I do that is the moment in  my life when I want to be alone, and start to push people away and take everything more to heart then a lot of other times. I take almost everything to heart but for me to push people away that is seldom. Even those that have hurt me in the past for some God-unknown reason I keep them around but some of my newer friends that want to help those are the ones I push away.

Case in point I can just off the top of my head think of a friend,I hope that is some way me and this friend can re connect one day. I had only known them for over a year, but it was not until December that I really got to know them a lot better. They were always there for me in the middle of the night and everything, but then when this damn forsaking depression started I pushed them away. I know that I have friends that have stuck by me when i tried to push them away, but for some reason this was a lot more different. This not why the depression started just to clarify. I had been feeling this way for about the week pryer. Anyway I pushed this friend so far away that we do not even talk anymore at all, I am hoping one day they can forgive me for hurting them the way I did. That was not my goal to hurt them that hard. I miss there constant friendship.

I am good at doing that though I worry so much about the friends that I have lost in the past, that I forget about the friends that are right there with me now that do care for me. Usually  sacrificing a lot for me. Sometimes even more then I know, I wish that there was something that I could do to repay them. I tend to worry a lot about the past that I forget about the now and present. Meaning something happened over two years ago now and I still have moments where I go back to then. I hate that about me, I wish I could delete all the history that is stored and hit refresh. But alas that is never a good goal either. I hate though that when I get in this type of mode that it is so hard for me to ask for help. Before I had my blog I would store it all away, now at least I have a way to vent and not hold everything in as much.

But yet the pain of the memories and the past is there still. it feels like it is slowly tearing my apart. Destroying who I am supposed to be whatever that means anymore. I thought twice now that everything in my life had a plan and that it was all figured out. Both times it has slammed shut in my face, what the hell am I supposed to do now… that is the question that I am dealing with. Anyway this is my rant I hate asking for help that is my number weakness that and caring to much and hell what is not a weakness in my life? I know that I do have some strong points but I will be damned if I ever know what those are with all the negative being piled on. I know that at one point that was not the case at all. I have no fucking clue though how to get back there. Oh wait forgive me we are not supposed to go back we are supposed to always push forward right? Anyway Happy Reading, Adam