How to be able to express how you are feeling without getting everyone worried about you? That has been my mindset as of the past 3 or so weeks now, I know that pain and hurt will follow. But what to do when you are so afraid when you think that you have only one option of escape? That should be the more relevant way to word the question. Since around the 6th of this month I have been dealing with some major depression issues where I was questioning that very thought.
Now if anybody really knows me at all asking for help is my number one weakness, granted asking for help is not so much the weakness. But feeling as if there is no way out is a weakness. I am wondering as if why I seldom go through this type of mindset. It comes at the most wrong times, let me clarify not always at the wrong times but when it does hit it is hard to shake. For as long as I can remember for almost the past ten years or so I have dealt with some form of depression. Granted I know a lot of people do but I seem to deal with it a lot more then most. And when I do that is the moment in my life when I want to be alone, and start to push people away and take everything more to heart then a lot of other times. I take almost everything to heart but for me to push people away that is seldom. Even those that have hurt me in the past for some God-unknown reason I keep them around but some of my newer friends that want to help those are the ones I push away.
Case in point I can just off the top of my head think of a friend,I hope that is some way me and this friend can re connect one day. I had only known them for over a year, but it was not until December that I really got to know them a lot better. They were always there for me in the middle of the night and everything, but then when this damn forsaking depression started I pushed them away. I know that I have friends that have stuck by me when i tried to push them away, but for some reason this was a lot more different. This not why the depression started just to clarify. I had been feeling this way for about the week pryer. Anyway I pushed this friend so far away that we do not even talk anymore at all, I am hoping one day they can forgive me for hurting them the way I did. That was not my goal to hurt them that hard. I miss there constant friendship.
I am good at doing that though I worry so much about the friends that I have lost in the past, that I forget about the friends that are right there with me now that do care for me. Usually sacrificing a lot for me. Sometimes even more then I know, I wish that there was something that I could do to repay them. I tend to worry a lot about the past that I forget about the now and present. Meaning something happened over two years ago now and I still have moments where I go back to then. I hate that about me, I wish I could delete all the history that is stored and hit refresh. But alas that is never a good goal either. I hate though that when I get in this type of mode that it is so hard for me to ask for help. Before I had my blog I would store it all away, now at least I have a way to vent and not hold everything in as much.
But yet the pain of the memories and the past is there still. it feels like it is slowly tearing my apart. Destroying who I am supposed to be whatever that means anymore. I thought twice now that everything in my life had a plan and that it was all figured out. Both times it has slammed shut in my face, what the hell am I supposed to do now… that is the question that I am dealing with. Anyway this is my rant I hate asking for help that is my number weakness that and caring to much and hell what is not a weakness in my life? I know that I do have some strong points but I will be damned if I ever know what those are with all the negative being piled on. I know that at one point that was not the case at all. I have no fucking clue though how to get back there. Oh wait forgive me we are not supposed to go back we are supposed to always push forward right? Anyway Happy Reading, Adam