You would think that since I am so close to 100 blogs, that this would be easier by this point. But you would be wrong, ok let me clarify if there is something on my mind then it is easier. But for some reason as of lately my mind has been in a lot of different directions. None of which is blog related at all, that is the down side. Or if I did try to put my thoughts into blog form would it make sense? Before you answer I know what you may be thinking ” us understand what he is saying”. And you might be right to some degree but I want the last few to mean something not just to me but to whoever made it this as well.
So the past few weeks, well more starting with the first of the month really I have been struggling with some depression. I am unsure as to why all of a sudden it has kicked in or anything. Things in my life as far as I knew were going good, but for some reason there was something missing that I was unsure of. Let me go back a little bit to explain what I mean. In November I had lost a job that I was at for not that long, and it was about a month and a half were I was out of work. Now you would think that for some reason the depression would have started to take effect at that point. Well that is what I was thinking as well. I was wrong, it took about another half month before it all started to effect me. It hit me a lot harder then it should have, it seemed almost as if it was effecting everything else around me. Including but not limited to relationships, not just with friends but also with family. I was pushing people away instead of drawing them near, I put on the fake smile like everything was ok. But in reality the pain was so hurtful that it was hard for me to ask for help.
That is one of my huge weakness, I have always had a hard time asking for help especially when I need it the most. But I know I pushed away someone who was very close to me and for that I’m Sorry. I am sure those words may not even have explain what I mean to anyone else who may read this. But to me I know I really hurt this person, that was never my intention to end the friendship the way I did. But I even pushed others away as well that I have known for a lot longer. Am I seeking forgiveness by writing this blog? I am not sure, I just wanted to let people know that you may never know who you are hurting by keeping things to your self before it is to late. Before you may loose a friendship that is very close. A friendship where the person never gave up on you before, who was right by your side. That you just gave up on because of the inner pain that you are struggling with.
If you are struggling in anyway there is no shame in seeking help, in some ways it might end up being the best thing for you. You may not loose that friendship, or even that relationship. Seek wise council, there is nothing wrong with going to your friends but sometimes it may take more then that. That is the direction that I am headed towards. And in reality I think that it is the best choice for me. I should have followed through with something like this a while ago when I first thought about it. But my selfish pride got in the way, and once again I was afraid to ask for help. But now I am seeking the help that I need. It may start off small almost as if baby steps at first but the help is being sought. Happy Reading, Adam.