“Only God knows why”

Now where would a title for a blog come from? Did something happen to make me question something , or was it more of a song that  I heard? Well to be honest it was a song, Now be on the look out, there are a few choice words in this song that may not be the best lyrics ever.

How many times do we question the plan that God has for us, only to be turned down hurt burned with no sense of what may be going on? To be honest I feel as if we have all been there to many times, but remember that God is there for us and us always willing to accept us back into the family. Am I in the authority of any kind to really wonder what may be going into our day in and day out lives and question the plan that God has for us? I can only speak for my self here, but even I wonder what the plan is that God has for me,only to realize that it may be two steps forward and one step backwards. Or in some random circumstances the reverse of that plan as well,grrr I wish that it more just plan black and white,I know that it is , but how many times do we still question everything that we have been thought? I know I have been down that road before, and I feel as if I may be starting down that same path again,

But wait at the same time who is in charge of the life I live? So I understand that God has the blue prints, but He has left us as the architect to over see the plans come about, but we are supposed to seek Him with our chooses right? So who’s live is this again?

Just something to think about…. Happy Reading , Adam

Advertisements

Where to start?

So where do I start being able to write about topics? Or for that matter do I have a list or a notebook of choices to choose from, or are they just ideas that are compiled going through my head? To be honest they are just a mixture of everything, a compiled mixture. Picture with me if you  will a blender, and you have a lot of different ingredients to make something really good. Well not always good per say but that is the goal right? Well that is my form of writing, meaning I have a lot of ideas and then when they are finished well you have my blog. But how can I as a amateur writer advance, how can I reach a wider audience?

Where can I learn to expand my skills as a writer, and be able to focus better and take my passion to the next level?  Where do I start doing that, or in other words what are the first steps that I need to take to reach that goal?  I want to try and develop my skill and advance it. This something that I have been praying about and I am thinking that is the direction that I need to head towards, but the question that remains is where do I go to start this venture. We know some of the struggles that I have had thus far in school, but I know that may be the direction I need to head towards. So what am I asking from you my readers? Never thought you would be asked that sort of question in my blog, well to clarify that question has not been asked in sometime. I need my “fellowship” I need a group of people to step beside me as I look into taking this next step. Could I do this on my own is it possible? Can I advance on my own yes but can I make it far?

When I think about this song I think more about the movie, Kermit had the dream to go to Hollywood and started out on his own, but he knew that he could never reach that goal on his own. But through the journey he ran into others to help him, encourage his dream, keep pushing him froward even though they knew that the risk alone would be an adventure, But then also I think of two “hobbits”  from two different backgrounds , one with no sense of adventure wanting to leave while his nephew is always ready for some sort of adventure, nothing stopped them reaching those goals. They had there own fellowship to help them with the journey. Do I have a group, do I have the people in my life anymore to help and encourage me to reach the goals? Or is it more wishful thinking and praying about needing but then not seeing any follow up? Anyway I know that one day the goals or wishes will be meet as long as I keep pressing forward. Happy Reading, Adam

Memories from a time ago

So a thought was going through my head earlier today and thought I would share. The inventor of the radio was his heart already broke or did he not feel at all? Interesting way to start a blog I do have to agree with  that statement my self, and just to clarify in advance me and my fiance and the girls are doing amazing. But still it is interesting how such a little reminder a song a glance a memory can come back out of no where and almost try and shock you. Or if it does shock you try and throw off everything about your day. And try and make you wonder what that time would be like again. Does that mean I want to try and relive those past memories? Or even try and track the past down and try to somehow remedy it?

That is the part of the past i am not sure on, or even if the pain the heart ache is really worth it. I think that is why it is so hard to see friends out of my life, meaning memories are something that I can never seem to erase either good or bad. That is why it is hard for me to let go of the hurt at times, or why I still act a certain way when something triggers that memory. I know I am not alone here on this feeling I am aware that others do feel this way also. But yet for this over sized teddy bear whose heart is out there for all to see , it is hard to fake the emotion of how I am feeling. I know that is why it also hard for me to be able to express how I am feeling on a personal level also. For example if I am upset or angry. I do not want the memory to end on a negative note by any means.

Gee I seriously hate that part of me yes I do try and figure this all out in my mind before I express it but yet, I feel like I need my own editor at all times being able to translate my idea better then i can express it. Is that why I retreat to a time of the past a era before I was born, could that be why i like the classic movies more then the new ones? Am I saying that my life would have been picture perfect? Well lets take a glance here remember this is a dream “Born  1922 Omaha Nebraska , grew up went to school, saw the family struggle during the depression. Got a job at the soda  counter  to help support, was starting to venture to college but volunteered for   World War 2. Served my country came back on the GI bill got a job at my dad’s, lawyer office as a secretary, married my high school sweet heart two kids supported them so my wife could stay at home with the kids . Saw them go to school  graduate and head to college . My son served in Vietnam came back paralyzed my daughter became a hippy but still loved her. worked hard everyday till I could retire ”

Now lets look at the reality born 1982 baby of the family two older sisters , home schooled high school trough he Omaha Street School, went to college at Nebraska Christian College went for a degree in missions did not graduate went to New Zealand and Vietnam  worked a total of 10 or so jobs since I was in high school had a few failed relationships, but then meet Melissa and her two kids whom I love with everything that I have.  Wow the dream vs the reality of the choices lol  Happy Reading Adam

New Zealand 2005 Part 1

What an interesting way to start a blog right? Well you would think so considering that it is now 2013. Let me paint the picture if I can about a trip that I took the summer of 2005. And the adventure that lead me up to that point. So be prepared and make sure you have your passport and  a suitcase packed for an adventure of a lifetime. Does that mean you are you going to leave the comfort and solitude of you living rooms? No it means you are going to be taking this Adventure with me.

To be honest with everyone and my self I am not sure what even created the desire and urge to travel to New Zealand, yeah looking back I could use the whole Lord of the Rings vibe for the reason why I wanted to go, but there is more to this then that. I felt a desire deep within my heart to go to New Zealand from the very moment I heard that there was a chance. I was at a summer camp being a leader when I first felt God leading me to New Zealand. I was doing my one on one time with God on a prayer walk that the camp had just put in. and I felt a rush or a chill unlike any other I had ever felt. It was right then and there that I knew that God was calling me to leave the US and travel to NZ. When I got home from camp i told my idea to my mom she asked me when I was thinking of going and I said next summer . I started back at school that fall of 2004 and I found out a few different groups lead missions trips to NZ, but I knew that mine was supposed to be longer then two weeks or even a month for that matter. I was starting to get discouraged and give up on this idea of going. But then I found the group, they are called Adventures In Missions,what a great title for a group. They did go to NZ and they went for two months, covering over both Islands, and doing a lot of ministry along the way.

By this point I was nervous but I did decide to call and just get some more information about the project and what information I could gather.The representative that I spook with opened my eyes to going even more then I thought by the end of conversation and some prayer that we were both convinced by the Spirit that I was going to be going that up coming summer. I still had to fill out the application and get approved but I had no doubt that God would be opening the doors to me going. By the time I had filled out the application to be going I was still a little unsure of how and where the fiances where going to come from and also I was getting a tad bit nervous also.  In December of 2004 due o grades I was asked to step down from school, was that the blessing in disguise that I needed to get headed in the right direction or was this God’s way of closing the doors towards me going?

Look back the whole having to step down from school, was both a blessing and a road block from  me going but my hope and thought process had not given up yet on the idea,  By mid February or March after lots of prayers and talks with the organization I was going with God had finally opened up the doors for me to go. I had gotten accepted,So next the part I struggled with the most the idea of raising the money for me to go on this once and a lifetime trip. The idea of asking people to support me on this one and a lifetime chance, but the flood gates where opened wide with support. Support from people that I was not even expecting to receive from. I felt more and more at ease with everything my job had agreed to give me the off from work, and my friends where continually praying .As the time drew near towards me going, I decided to meet with some close friends and even a few people I did not know and have a night of prayer and worship at my church.  It was so encouraging to see everyone come out and pray with me.

So the day finally came for me and boy was I was nervous my first flight by my self, and before I left to go to New Zealand I was going to Georgia for training.On May 25th 2005 that is when the journey began and boy was I nervous. I transferred planes once before arriving in Georgia, there I meet one of my team members she was nervous as well but we were both excited to see where God was going to lead us on this trip. when we got to the airport there we meet the rest of not just our team, but others as well that were going on this adventure also to other locations.reports_send_binary We had some interaction through e-mails before meeting each other but this was the first face to face. Some had known each other before through school and what not but for the most of us it was the first time meeting. While the rest of the team was on their way to the training camp I got my first true test of servant hood, I was asked to ride in a truck with a team member of the organization with all the luggage . Talk about first eye opening experience, but also i was wondering why God had placed me in this position. The thing that I learned and that I had already known, was that god has always given me the opportunity to click or connect with those who i have not previously known. Oh random fact about that journey the turck broke down and we had to wait until someone could come and help us. The last time I had really ate anything was the day before and the time I got to eat again lol was about 24 hours latter or so it seemed to me.

All of that travel and arriving at the training camp was on 5/26/2005, over the next few days there, we learned a multitude of drimes in which we performed through the trip.reports_send_binary (1) reports_send_binary (2) That was a learning withing its own. But we  learned them. A few days we did not see the point but through it all we learned team building and how to work well as a team.  We really bonded the few days we were in training learning what some of our strengths and weakness were . we learned out a lot more over the time as well. It came time for our team to carry the cross. but the crazy part was that we had to go through the obstacle course and the cross came with us. There were many stories of people overcoming fears as we did this together. Taking authority over the enemy in all the lies and deceit he tells us, when he says that “we can’t do it” or “we will only let the team down” or “you’re going to fail”, we confronted those issues and instead spoke truth out over ourselves like, “we can do all things through Christ,” and “I am the head and not the tail,” and “If God is for me, who can be against me?” We made it all the way through the course with the cross and made it over a climbing wall, through a hanging tire, over a hurdle, across a balance beam, and at the end, we realized that it is the CROSS that has brought us together.  On June 2 we started our “never ending journey ” lol that is what it seemed like anyway. We traveled from Georgia, to Texas to LAX and then an international flight to New Zealand and then from Auckland down to Christchurch. One of the more interesting key factors to the flight was when we were boarding our international flight I sat down on the plane and put on the head set that was plugged into the radio system and the song playing was “leaving on a jet plane” . We all took a moment and prayed that as we were about to leave everything that we were used to that God was going to do amazing things through our trip and through each other.

So on Friday, June 3, 2005 we arrived in New Zealand and let me tell you we were tired. BUt the moment we had arrived at the house was well worth it. We pretty much walked in put our stuff away and went straight to sleep. but after an adventure and a half and then finding out that our schedule started the next day wow.But at the same time we were getting excited,

Reflection

I know a while  ago I did a year in review month by month. It is interesting how much reflection can truly come from that. Something else that I have been reflecting on is the interesting concept, of how much my life truly has been changed over the year. But at the same time, how the world has changed around me without me noticing it.  Not that anything like that has personal merit towards me, but just the over all thought process.  But yet at the same time so many questions are left unanswered. I am trying to picture what my life would have been like to view through the eyes of another. Now I know I can not do that, no can I change what has already happened. I just have to keep pressing on and not giving up hope.

But wait is there something left unanswered ? By all means yes, with that in mind here is a song that I feel fits the moment perfect. The song came out in 1992, by a band called DC Talk. This song is off of there “Free At Last” album. Here is the song.

Granted I have never been to prison like in the video, but in a sense we all go through our own prisons. Here is what the lyrics are. (chorus)
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I’m the kinda guy
That has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway, Father
I’m on my knees and I’m crying for help

Now I’ve been high and I’ve been low
I’ve been some places that you will not go
I never thought there would come the day
When I wished I never would’ve lived this way
But I’ve been searching for a long, long time
I thought the devil was a friend of mine
I turned my back on everything that was true
And wasted years that belong to you

(repeat chorus)

It took so long for me to see
That I’m a victim of nature and me
Left to myself I realize
I am the maker of my own demise

But you accept me every time and again
And never mention just how selfish I’ve been
Why must it always take me so long to see
That I have fallen but you will forgive me?

(repeat chorus 2x)

The warning signs are like flares in the night
Still I proceed my greed is in spite of the fire
I know that’s bound to burn
Why is it that I always gotta learn…
The hardway, the hardway, I had to learn the hardway
The hardway, the hardway, I had to learn the hardway

We all go through own shares of ups and downs, but how many times do we feel captive almost like we are trapped. When i first heard the lyrics that is exactly what I thought. Now I know we eac deal with our own stress in different ways, but there is always an escape from what we are going through. Sometimes we just need to open our eyes and look around. Granted that might not always be the right answer, but the answer is out there. For me I write, others draw, even color. But is there another source of hope, maybe something we are missing. I do believe so. Let us look to the Bible for answers. Anything we are going through there is a peace and a comfort. Here is another video to explain what   I mean.

It is interesting how so many songs, can reflect through what we are feeling. But there is a lot of truth that is sometimes over looked within the Bible. Once again here are the lyrics. The song “Red Letters” came from the album Supernatural.

Pages filled with a holy message
Sealed with a kiss from heaven
On a scroll long ago
Phrases, words that were bound together
Now have the power to sever
Like a sword evermore

Heed the words divinely spoken
May your restless heart be broken
Let the supernatural take hold

(chorus)
There is love in the red letters
There is truth in the red letters
There is hope for the hopeless
Peace and forgiveness
There is life in the red letters
In the red letters

One man came to reveal a mystery
Changing the course of history
Made the claim he was God
Ageless, born of a virgin Mary
Spoke with a voice that carried through the years
It’s persevered

Heed the words divinely spoken
May your restless heart be broken
Let the supernatural take hold

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
What You say moves me, revelation, come and take me
The more I look [the more I look] the more I see [the more I see]
The Word of God [the Word Of God] is what I need

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah, it’s the book of love
Yeah, yeah, yeah
It’s the book of love

(repeat chorus)

Speak to me, breathe in me new life [x2]
Let Him in your heart [x4]

These are just a few of my thoughts and reflections on the matter. I know that God is still in control of every situation that does come along our way. Happy Reading, Adam

Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012 Part 1 of 4

It is so interesting to look back on this year. All of the different events that have taken place, all the new friends I have made, and all the old ones I have lost. I know it may seem odd to do one of these 8 days before the new year begins. But then again we will never know where any of us will be. So I figured I would jump the gun and get the year in review blog started.

January well nothing really to report for this month to speak of. I had been going to Glad Tidings young adult group called Underground for about a month and a half at this point. Everybody seemed very outgoing and accepting, part of that may have been due to the fact that I was still new. But I know there was more to that. When I first started going, in a way I was just looking for chance to start over. Go where no one knew me and knew my story. But I soon started to grow into fellowship with this church.

Febuary still going to Underground checked out another group as well called Pergo Deus,they meet on another night so I figured it would not hurt to give it a try. But something drew me back to Underground. I could tell that God was starting to totally transform me into a new person. I have made a few friends by this point which is always good for me. My damn memory was still tryng to catch up with me. With memories from the past. I think a lot of it had to do with Valentines days and being alone. There  was a select few that I felt like I could trust so I started to talk to them more.

March still going to Underground when I could, but do to my work situation I was working a lot more. That is not a bad thing at all, but I felt like my walk was starting to falter a little bit. But I was still making it when I could, my friendships were still going strong though. Not just there but also my other friendships as well. Another positive I got my net-book computer, that way I could get on the internet and not have to go to my parents house. And thanks to a few good friends got inspired to start a blog. It is interesting to look back, how when I started maybe my first blog was less then 75 words to my now over 1,000 sometimes blogs.

April tax time lol well that and also I went on a retreat with Underground. It was to a camp that I used to go to when I was younger, it is where my faith journey started really. That weekend turned out to be something that I had been needing this  for a while now up to this point. God broke a lot of walls down that I had built up over my heart. It is amazing how God does that when we least expect it.

 

Well such is life

Very interesting title for a blog, yes I would agree on that point. So the question that remains is why would I the author of such blog, choose that thought for the title? To be perfectly honest here, I am not sure why I chose that title. I could not think of anything else at the time that would for the title. That in no way means I am not going to mention some of the unfairness of life, and how I wish things could change to remedy that. But I have done such blogs like that before in the past. Does that mean a thought is roaming around in my head? Not for sure, this might be interesting .

To be honest with my readers life right now has given me a chance to once again evaluate my life. To see if I am making the right choices, to see where I am headed. A few things have happened in my life over the past few weeks to give me such a chance. Now I am not going to go through that list and expose everything here. Not this time anyway, maybe in a month or so. It has been a while since I have blanked out on what to write, that is not a bad thing, it is interesting. But wait is there hope coming from the horizon, is that  a  bright light leading me home? Or is it a different direction I am supposed to be headed.

Did I just really share that last thought? Wow ok just to clarify on that, it is for a novel of sorts I am working on. I have both windows open. But maybe there is some truth behind the written word.  I am not sure how the pro writters do this type of work, with deadlines and people yelling at them to get there work done. I have a lot of respect of that group. I think one day i might be included, but that is a dream, I will be lucky if anybody even reads this. But anyway, I am not trying to put down my writer skills, but I know that this was not one of my favorite things to do in high-school and college. Now though it seems as if this is all I want to do. If it is something short and to the point or deep and makes you think to just ramble, kinda like this one I am typing up now. Well Happy Reading for now Adam

My life

It really hurts when people I thought I could trust end up turning around and backstabbing me. That is one of the top reasons why trust has always been a issue for me, not so much just that but in general people that I allow into my inter circle. It takes a while just for me to open up to trust someone and then to have them turn around and bring up something that happened over nine months ago. I am not going to go into detail about that since IT WAS IN THE PAST. I HAVE MOVED ON FROM THAT I am a stronger person now then I was at that time. So why bring something up just to bring me down to make your self feel better about what happened?

With that being said, I have decided to share a part of my life story. If anybody really knows me, I tend to open up a lot, and the close off real quick. Part of that is due to a trust factor I have always struggled with, from people in a church asking me why I bother to come if no body really likes me. That really kills when you are fourteen years old. To someone that I thought was a friend to them saying “enough people have enough trouble of there own so wide add to that”. Scratch that first relationship, wow in advance I am not going to share any names, to protect certain people because I am not sure who reads this and who does not. To just finding out  a month ago that someone I dated a year ago is still trying to cause crap, I have moved on. I am sorry if they have not, but at the same time there lose.

It is interesting only a few people can really break me open, when I get in a funk like this. The down side is one of them lives in a different city, the others I do not want bother all the time. Plus any more who can you truly trust? It has been a while since I have been in this bad of a funk per say. I know that God is there and is never going to leave, but at the same type I just want to be happy, is that really to much to ask? I am tired of people putting on fronts like they care about me, but yet there is never truly any actions to back that up. I am part to blame for that, it is just rough at times. I know it sounds like I am complaing, but it is just hard to figure out exactly the direction that God wants me to go in. If I had more direction in that point then maybe thing would be better but only God knows.

The whole trust factor also deals with why went to so many churches almost like I was  hopping so much in just my short life. After college did not pan out the first time. I went to a total of over 5 different college church groups.It seemed like when ever someone told me about one I would have to check it out. Even if it was for a few weeks at a time, that all while working. Was I still involved with a Sunday church? Not really, and the sad part was I was working with a youth group and a children’s group at the same time. I figured all that I was involved with then what was the point, I am still growing right? Well that is what I thought anyway. Well I was wrong, the question is why is my mind thinking about all of this so much lately? The past should not matter, yet I still let so much of it try to control my life.

I keep hearing so much about needing confidence in order to succeed in life. I have confidence, I love my self, I am content with where I am, but my mind is like a evil memory bank. Not all my memories are bad, I am not trying to say that, but it is just interesting how one memory can change or try and change your whole life aspect, or even just change your thought process. I guess all there is to do is raise my hands, and lift a prayer up. If I get hurt along the way, just know that it WILL only make me stronger in the long run. I am stronger then I give myself credit for, I know that somewhere there is someone who is going to love me for who I am. Not who they want me to be, no more backing down, no more giving up when times get tough. Happy Reading, Adam